This walking in faith is not an easy thing to do. Well, there are days. :-) I have found myself struggling over the last month or so, and being frustrated with myself for not handling things better. The big things; like Jethro's heart. I can hand that over to God pretty easily because I obviously have no control over it. Don't misunderstand... I desperately want his heart to be whole, and I want a well baby ~ I want to nurse him and snuggle and do all those sweet things you do with a newborn ~ and although I do spend a fair amount of time in prayer about his heart, I don't really fret about his heart...because there is nothing I can do.
But when it comes to the smaller things ~ there I have trouble just letting go. I tend to fret and stew and get upset, instead of just laying those burdens down at my Father's feet. And then I get upset with myself, because I should know better. :-/
I have had days here and there when I have just basically been a puddle. And I have had to remind myself that while God does expect us to lay our burdens down at His feet, and to keep our eyes on Him; He does not expect us to deny or cover up our emotions. It is okay to feel and to work through all these things. It is okay to grieve the fact that Jethro will not be well. It is okay to grieve that we live in a sin-filled world and that means that what is best (to our human way of thinking) may not be. It is okay to let my Father know that my heart aches...and I am afraid. Afraid of all the unknowns, and afraid of some of what we do know. And that I am terrified of the possibility of burying another son. I pray fervently that God does not ask us to walk through that dark valley again.
The key is to work through these emotions. To not stop and get bogged down in them. To ultimately come to a place where I can truly say, "Not my will, but Thine." And I'm there most of the time.
I'm starting to listen to a short sermon series (3 sermons) by Mark Driscoll, called, "Pray like Jesus". It is so good. And what a wonderful reminder that God is our Daddy, and we can bring anything to Him. We don't have to hold anything back, because He already knows it all anyway. Yet, in bringing it to Him, we are inviting Him in, and actively asking Him to engage with us. I was also reminded that Jesus was brutally honest with His Father about what He was feeling, as He looked toward the cross. And ultimately asked that He be given the strength to face it all well ~ glorifying His Father as He did so.
And so, I am encouraged. To feel, to be honest, and to trust. My prayer is that Jethro will be healed, but should that not be the will of my Father; then my prayer is that He will carry us, enabling us to walk this path in a way that glorifies Him to all we come in contact with.